we'll get there someday, somehow....

i was surprised to receive a call yesterday morning.
the call woke me up and i dont know hearing what the woman on the other line had say is a happy or a fearful emotion i must have been feeling at that point of time.

im able to start work tomorrow.
it happens so fast that i can't believe it myself.

im afraid that im uncapable of doing the job they want me to handle.
im afraid that i can't live up to the company's expectations.

oh god.oh god.
why am i pessimistic like this?
this attitude of mine should be purge before it destroys me further.

i just hope everything is going to be alright like everybody else has reassure me.
this is my first in my 18 years of existence to work.

i never experience the working life.speaking of kental.hee.
i'll often get scolded from Ibu if i mention abt work before this because she wants me to focus on my studies and nothing else.
now that everything has ended,she gave me full support and motivation now.
only with a promise that all the pay i'll have is for my studies to further my education later on.

maybe with the blessing ibu gave me,i earn the job.
but seriously,i already think of the worst.

i can smell jealousy when the boy thinks that the work fits me so well that i shouldnt go for it.
it was nonsense but he thinks i'll be far more bitchier than i ever am.
(i think he have some sort of "scandal" stuffs playing around his head.)
but the way he discourages me just raged me.
that's really the last thing on my mind coming from him.

so after talking about something else,i digress and the negativities starts forming on my head.
the usual..'what if...' starts to bug me.
like
"what if the lawyer thinks im a complete joke and too stupid for him?"
"what if im gonna be a liability to the company?"
"what if i they took advantage and bully me by giving workloads?"
"what if no one wants to help me?"

WHAT IF.....................................?!

i feel like crying and have the feeling im not able to do it.
he was already on a guilt trip and regrets throwing redundant comments on me 35 minutes before.

he keeps apologising and said how he was just kidding.
i could hear his calm voice telling me to breathe and be more resilient.
i miss him so much thus hearing from him made my night better.

like i've said,i HATE being pessimistic with the entire of any trivial matters as it makes me question my own abilities.
i feel handicapped.

:'(

loved ones,please pray everything is going to be alright.
because if im not,i'll quit right away and that's what i don't wanna do!
i am such a paranoid.
or maybe,i wont go at all!

my first time working.
so my bad.

have a good day ahead.
i hope i will have a pleasant first day of working tomorrow.
do me a favour and pray for me will you?
ameen.

*breathes in*
*breathes out*