we'll get there someday, somehow....

i cried when i first heard it..
it's like opening a healing wound up.
and im surprise that im able to accept it after trying to overcome it myself all this while.
somehow,it makes me strong.
why that ghaibmu?
because that song..is somewhat similar to the song he composed..

a week before he passed away.

strange.but true.
i wish i still keep it and let the closed ones hear it..
but i deleted it.everything.
and how i wish it's deleted from my memory too.
and more strange when that song is about dissapearance of someone.
very very strange.
first of all,al-fatihah to the late,azhar.

so,at last i reveal to a friend about it after 2 yrs of keeping it.
and it's everything.
every single thing that happened.
and nothing is missed.
(ok.maybe a bit left.i told you it's hard to express it.)
so here i am penning everything down now.
cuz i just want to let everything out and that's it.
so here's the best place cuz i dun need to open my mouth.
or i'll start to cry.
and tears were stinging at the corners of my eyes now.
just waiting it's time to roll down the cheeks.

all this while and when that incident happened 2 yrs ago,
only his friends(which is mine too) and only those who know him,
knows about it..
only them but we rarely keep in touch now.
except for ein.who is still a good companion though we hardly meet.

i keep that only to myself because i want to purge myself of the memories.
i had enough of crying..so i just want to forget about it and stay strong.
im not willing to open this up to anyone else at that point of time cuz i know once i start talking about it...it'll take a while to erase it off my mind.
and im strong.i know i am.
so there's no need for me to whine and cry to all my frens.
i just dont want them to share the big burden im facing.
i'm glad i have them. (his frens especially.)
i have never felt so mortified in my entire life.
not to forget,guilty.
i still can't quite believe that it happens because of a small mistake i made.

and who will accept the fact when people says that you are the cause of someone's death?

i admit that i didnt appreciate him..
but that's me.if i dont like you,then that's that.
its either i really dont like you.(there's a reason to it of course!i dont hate people for no reason.duh!)
or i didnt want to show that i really do like you.
everyone knows it.
i have my ego.
whatever happens,if i dont want to change...then it wont.
even if i do..what difference will it make?
it's too late.
and he will never came back.
a nice guy he is,im sure he's having a good life up there.
amin ya rabbal alamin.
and im truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for dissapointing him.
for not fulfilling his wishes.

a huge surge of relief floods through me after i told everything to that friend.
and after typing this.
it's all alright.
and though i regret about what happened,i didnt learn my lesson just yet.

most ask why am i like this..
the reason being so is maybe because of my insecurities and trust towards men.

i've been influence by certain things i've seen as i grow up.
my parent's divorce was very significant in snapping my perceptions.
im terrified of commitments,dont believe in promises and everlasting happiness.
seeing my mum suffer and bring me up without much assistance from a man(besides her brothers)makes me so determined to make it on my own.

yes.of course i need love and affection.
it's just that i fear of all these sometimes.
in fact,everytime.

therefore,im waiting for someone.
someone to come knocking on my door.
someone who have been through hardships and know the meaning of life.
a strong man with a strong determination to keep moving on and make a difference.
accept me for who i am and someone with a lot of faith towards our religion.
someone who can teach me the meaning of love and open up my heart and eyes to things i've never seen or felt w/out them.
insya'allah.
(so any of you think you fit the bill?hah.impossible.)

that's why im just flinging around now.
hahhahahahahha.
*coughs*
i mean.erm.widening my social circle.
=D

ouhhh.
sungguh tak logical dengan topic yg kat atas2 tu.
but then..thats what im trying to do.
hah.

ah ok.